1. Well now that I can legally marry, I have the chance to commit adultery for the first time in my life. Cheating was so much simpler.
2. When did someone decide I really wanted to eat a three course meal in the dark while watching a movie? You know, a bag of popcorn and a coke was fine.
3. 24 states in America have now said you can use cannabis for medicinal purposes but the U.S. Code still reads that "there are no legitimate medical uses for cannabis." How stupid is that?
4. Returning veterans who are willing to go to VA hospitals have to be admired. They are willing to die twice for their country.
5. Florida has passed a bill outlawing revenge porn. I feel so much safer. My ex was going to
post a picture of me eating a cannoli- naked.
6. Saturday Night Live celebrated its 40th anniversary this year. Most of my friends marriages did not last that long.
7. A reporter wrote that Pirates' Neil Walker 'lost' his arbitration case and 'will only make' $8 million dollars this year. Yeah, we should all so suffer.
8. I see that Rome has legalized a prostitution district near the Vatican. What's the matter? Have they never heard of Christian-mingle.com?
9. What you learn from surviving cancer is that while on one hand it can take your life, on the other it can give you life too.
10. Thanksgiving is that special day when families from thousands of miles apart can get together and scream at each other in person.
11. Tell me. Doesn't your heart go pitter-patter at that exact moment when you see your luggage appear out of the wall in the claims terminal?
12. Six out of every ten Americans now favor legal marijuana. The other four are too drunk to vote.
13.Hope that the next computer hacker who steals my identity will remember to pay my mortgage on the 1st of every month.
14. Donald trump's candidacy does not just make a mockery of the Republican Party. His bombastic, self-righteous buffoonery humiliates the entire American electoral process.
15. Stress is the biggest killer in life. The best medicine for that is marijuana, a massage and a puppy. Oh, and a walk along the beach- preferably in Mykonos.
16. The only new law I am for would require stores to close on holidays, not have super sales.