Well, it’s time for my monthly cancer chronicles, a week early because I am going stir crazy in my house.

There are only so many times I can play “Lucky Susan” online in the seventh race at Gulfstream. Anyway gang, here are the raconteur’s rants for this week. Memorize them. They will be on the test next Thursday.

1. The doctor wants to order me an hour of physical therapy after every chemo treatment. Like the hot chocolate lava cake from Kraft Restaurant isn’t enough of a workout already?

2. After six months of being a cancer patient, I have devised a new check-in sheet for nurses at the chemotherapy center — kind of like an old Chinese restaurant menu, where you take one choice from column A and one from column B. Instead of your birthday and social, the nurse asks you: “With your chemo, would you prefer the: ‘a) Nausea or Vomiting; b) Constipation or Diarrhea; or c) Fatigue or Neuropathy?’”

3. Actually, the truth is that chemotherapy is much smarter today and better-dosed than it was 20 years ago. You not only get grapes, cheese and cranberry juice with its administration, after each treatment I get better at Wordle.

4. If you want to know what neuropathy in your feet feels like, imagine you had Hulk’s toes. I mean if I were to let Jimmy Cohens give me a pedicure, he would need a hammer and a chisel, not a toenail clipper.

5. So I am thinking of using a Robert Frost quote on my tombstone: “I simply had a lover’s quarrel with the world.” I was going to use “You can reach me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.,” until I found out that the cemetery charges for engravings by the letter.

6. Sorry, but when you have cancer, you think about dying, even if you want to live forever. So when some friends asked what I wanted others to say about me at my funeral, I said: “Just three words: ‘Look, he's moving.’” Screw it, I am just not going to die! There will be no service in my lifetime.

7. I am not running their marketing department, but the lengthy and verbose University of Miami Comprehensive Sylvester Cancer Care Center should learn something from Twitter and change their name. They should get a new IP address reading cancancernow.com. 

8. Actions speak louder than words because accomplished deeds are promises you make to yourself that was kept. Words are promises you made to yourself which are still unfulfilled, like that gym membership you signed up for in January. Okay, maybe Reverend Pat Rogers at the United Church of Christ is an exception!  

9. No, not everyone likes you. Get over it. You can’t please the world. As a publisher, I find that out weekly. But don’t worry because not everyone matters. That’s life. Some days you are Charlie Brown.   

10. No matter what came your way before, today is your first tomorrow; your first chance at a second chance. Life is a series of second chances but bring an eraser just in case.  

11. I have done terrible things for money… like get up early to go to work. And I am working a little. I just settled a case with Wilton Manors Code compliance for my hot dog cart. Seems I have to feed the police department daily with Nathan’s Famous and Birch Beer. Oh, and give code compliance my firstborn.  

12. It’s a sad reflection of our times, but as Tom Selleck, playing the police commissioner, said on Blue Bloods, “Certain accusations by their very nature carry a penalty the second that accusation is even whispered, regardless of whether or not they are true.” Worse, they are compounded by the Internet, where a lie can be halfway around the world before the truth catches up with it. Even if it does, the damage is often done and irreversible. Frankly, that sucks, doesn’t it?   

13. Focus on what you do have, not what you don’t have. As I have said before, less is more. No matter what you own, it’s going to wind up somewhere else, probably that great consignment shop “Oddities.” 

14. The surest way to fail is to fail to act. Even if you are on the right track, when you just sit there and don’t move, sooner or later, you are going to get run over. Can’t steal second base until you take a lead off first. Risk-taking is okay. It’s leaving where you are for maybe where you need to be. 

15. You may not be able to do something about the length of your life, but you can always do something about its breadth, width, depth, and oh, your weight — so that one piece of lava cake was enough. Just don’t throw out the ice cream. Don’t ever throw out ice cream, especially cones from the Creamery with chocolate sprinkles on them. Take care.


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