Fifty years ago, as a sophomore at the Harvard of Hempstead, Hofstra University, I won the college’s Public Speaking Contest. I was so proud.
A few years later, I was trying to do stand up at comedy clubs in New York City. Guys like Billy Crystal and Jerry Seinfeld told me not to give up my day job. I listened. Tough critics, they were.
So here I am, a half-century later, practicing law, publishing a weekly LGBT newspaper, and doing a daily talk radio show, which thanks to a pandemic, no one can call in to.
Watching the presidential debate last week, I was thinking how much I wish I could have been in the room where it happened — how I would have replied to Donald Trump’s sea of deceit.
If Norm Kent was your presidential candidate, and I was debating the mother of all liars, I would have eaten up and spit out the man with the mushroom penis and filthy mouth.
Indulge me, won’t you? I can’t cure cancer with my weekly column. Me endorsing Joe Biden won’t get him votes in the Rust Belt. But I can make you smile. So here we go.
Him: We are turning the corner and heading around the curve.
Me: Yes, you most certainly are sir. And driving America right off the cliff.
Him: I wear a mask whenever it is necessary.
Me: Yes sir, you do. But it belongs over your mouth and nose, not eyes and ears.
Him: I am better to Blacks than anyone since Lincoln.
Me: Yes, you are sir. You are the best since George Lincoln Rockwell. He founded the American Nazi Party.
Him: I saved your suburbs.
Me: You know nothing about the suburbs, sir. You think someone’s front lawn is a putting range and their picket fence is a course hazard.
Him: I am the least racist person in this room.
Me: Only if you were standing alone in it, sir.
Him: I did not build the cages.
Me: Don’t worry sir, we will retrofit them for you and the entire cadre of crooks you have hired for your cabinet. We are even going to move some of your solid gold toilets from Mar-a-Lago there to make you all feel more comfortable.
Him: Covid, Covid, Covid. I am sick and tired of COVID. On Nov. 4, no one will be talking about COVID.
Me: No sir, on Nov. 4, no one will be listening to you. The disease will be real, but like you, its days will be numbered. Because America will discover something you have not: Science.
Him: Hunter’s laptop will reveal hidden secrets exposing his crimes.
Me: Yes, sir, and if you are a good boy, we may even be lucky enough to find Hillary’s emails. But she is not running, is she? You are, though. And maybe on the laptop I brought with me we will find your hidden taxes, the person you paid to take your SAT’s, the payoffs to China for your hotel deals, along with the names of all the women you and your best friend, pedophiliac Jeffrey Epstein paid off for sex.
Him: Nobody is tougher on Russia or China than me.
Me: And you proved this toughness by walking out on a 60-minute interview, holding four years of fake interviews with shill hosts on Fox News and praising Vladimir Putin while he was paying Iran bounties for killing American soldiers. Oh, Mr. Tough Guy, tell me more.
Him: I am saving your second amendment.
Me: But there are others sir, and you are destroying them, like the first amendment, the Bill of Rights, and a free press. You ought to be protecting the Fifth Amendment. When you are booted out of office, you will need it for yourself.
Him: Biden is a socialist who will be led by the far left of his party and become a puppet of all of them.
Me: There are school bus drivers carrying cases of Coors Light more in control of their vehicles than you are of this country or your QAnon followers. In case you have not noticed, they are not militia. They are vigilantes, terrorists, and criminals. Like your cabinet.
Him: Mike Pence has done a masterful job as the head of America’s Coronavirus task force.
Me: Having a politician with no medical background to run a global task force was like hiring an arsonist to put out a fire. You and he could not protect your staff, let alone the country.
Him: Dr. Fauci is a monster who has been wrong over and over again.
Me: Well, sir, you do know about monsters. You have spent four years appointing them to your cabinet — just enough to start a football team at San Quentin. If you don’t pardon them too.
Him: I have appointed three Supreme Court Justices who are going to change the face of American society.
Me: Yes sir, you have. Amy Coney Barrett is a hundred years ahead of her time. But her time was 1720. And she is against abortion. Care to tell us how many of those you have paid for in your lifetime?
Him: I have done more in 47 months for America than Biden has done in 47 years.
Me: You have sir. You have killed more Americans in a shorter time than any other president before you.
You have unemployed more Americans than any president in the past century.
You have stirred more civil unrest than at any time since the Civil War.
You sir are indeed number one. No president has been as good as you have been at being bad. You are definitely the best at being the worst.
Maybe the guy who told us the way to fight this pandemic was by drinking Clorox isn’t the guy who should have been telling us what was real in the first place.
But don’t worry. If we elect a new president on Nov. 3, America will begin a new start. And you will become an old memory. A canceled TV show with no reruns in store.
Goodbye, sir. See you on Hulu for $4.99 a month. And that will be overpaying.
IF YOU HAVE NOT CAST YOUR BALLOT, DO SO.
FOR JOE BIDEN.
VOTE LIKE YOUR LIFE AND YOUR FREEDOMS DEPENDED ON IT.