Okay, I am violating a few editorial rules here by speaking in the first person, but I am just thinking how one of my mentors, Hunter S. Thompson, would have handled this Christian themed event I attended Friday and Saturday in Washington, D.C.
Five hours after spending the night whoring around the dens of homosexual promiscuity in the all too gay Du Pont Circle, I surrendered my soul to the gathering of shirts and ties formulating a new, more religious America at the Omni Shoreham Hotel.
I was kind of glad my mother passed away last summer because if she had discovered her Jewish son spent a night with Goyim on Yom Kippur I might have been smited, excommunicated or denied chopped liver for the rest of my life.
Afraid to tell them an open homosexual was sharing the public toilets with them, I surreptitiously mingled with the crowd of god-fearing wife-beaters, trying to find out whether members of the American Family Association actually also put milk in their cheerios. I then sat with them calmly, a sodomite amongst Christians.
Bigotry, I learned, is apparently a new value of Christ, and if there is anything these people hate more than queers and faggots, it’s Muslims and Barack ‘Hussein’ Obama, who, according to most of the speakers, has apparently seized the White House from God.
Even better than the speakers who seemed to have slipped off the top of the Grand Canyon, and woke up in a crazed mind-crushing daze, were the exhibit halls that featured such remarkable groups as the American Society for Tradition, Family and Property, a self-described Catholic organization whose representatives seemed to be wearing red cloaks, preparing early for gay lynchings or Halloween, not sure which.
At their booths, I learned that gay marriage will turn a moral wrong into a civil right, because let’s face it, Bill and Bob living together in one house in Missouri is sure going to stop Ron and Sue from raising their kids successfully in Mississippi.
Basically, the exhibit hall was a collection of paranoid schizophrenics with mental fungus who need to be rounded up inside a large barbed wire fence and shipped off to the Phantom Zone. Instead, they sat comfortably in a Washington, D.C. hotel while a myriad of Republican presidential candidates sucked up to them, begging for their support and votes.
The Traditional Values Coalition, another anti-gay hate group hosted a table filled with paraphernalia and Propofol, apparently in pulp form. The conference also entertained platforms for the Freedom Center, calling on the United Nations to be abolished, by tomorrow morning, if possible.
There was also this new mysterious group called ‘Stop the Islamization of America,’ which was pressing its own ‘Preserving Freedom Conference’ next month in Nashville. They want to stop the threat of Sharia Law from overturning every municipal ordinance from Peoria to Pensacola, or swallowing us all up, like those pea pods from Invasion of the Body Snatchers.
The AFA held the Friday luncheon, where I learned that the TV program Glee is in fact ‘the most horrifying show in America’, and presents a real threat to our children. Introduced as a hero to the crowd was none other than freshman female congressperson, Rep. Vicky Hartzler (R-Mo.) She got elected by parading a Neanderthal message to young conservatives- warning us that if you legalize gay marriage today, you will be opening the door to legalizing pedophilia and incest tomorrow. Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa) also mocked gay people repeatedly, which probably means you can talk to him about it on one of the next RSVP cruises.
On and on the conference went, until the cannibals started devouring each other in their attempt to outflank their buddies. Even Mitt Romney and his Mormons were denounced as ‘operating a fake religion,’ by a Texas minister who has declared all Muslims should be deported. Romney wanted people to be more civil with each other, which explains why he finished last in the straw poll with 4 percent of the votes.
My favorite was the guy who said while Muslims ‘present the greatest threat to America, homosexuals present the more immediate threat,’ as compared to a typhoon or hurricane. But then, if you remember what Reverend Pat Robertson once said, we gays are responsible for those too.
One week after being at the Human Rights Campaign dinner with a sea of 3,000 homosexuals in tuxedos dining on pressed chicken, I could not help but think how cool it would have been had both events been held at the same hotel at the same time.
After a day there, with a head cold coming on, hung over by medical marijuana and homosexual trysts with Russian embassy staffers the night before, I returned home to the safety of Fort Lauderdale and the bosom of the Coral Ridge Presbyterian Church, where I knew the spirit of Reverend Kennedy would take good care of me. Somehow, the lesbian flight attendant and homosexual pilot negotiated the rough skies and got me home safely, even though I was seen reading the Koran on my iPad. America survives.