Queer Query: One of the Wives - Being Queer and Polyamorous

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I met the man who would be my future husband and the woman who would be my first sister wife a long time ago. We always got along wonderfully growing up. Sometimes I wanted more than just friendship and sometimes we did feel like there was something more. After knowing them for four years, they winded up getting together. I felt disappointed that I couldn’t be dating either one of them, in a way. Even though they were together, our relationship did start turning into something more.

Quite some time later they took on another person in their relationship, who is now sister wife number two. Them taking in a third person completely opened me up to the idea of polyamory. I never knew anyone in person that has more than one partner before. I became good friends with her and really looked up to her. As much as I shared feelings with them, I just wasn’t sure if polygamy was right for me.

In 2012, I was asked to join them. I said yes. Though previously I wasn’t so sure if polygamy was right for me, I became more and more a part of this relationship. I started to get fond of the idea of sharing my partners. I’d expected to feel jealousy – and at first I did – but after a while I became okay with it. After me came partner / wife number four who was a really old friend of wife one; naturally she became more attached to wife one than the rest of us at first being they knew each other longer. That challenge is something you don’t get in monogamous relationships.

We’d take turns getting to know each other better. If one of us feels we’re not as close to someone as someone else was, then that person would spend more time bonding with that person.

What’s it like sharing partners? It’s something that isn’t easy for someone in a monogamous relationship to understand. Something to keep in mind with polygamy/polyamory is that everybody involved is completely consensual with having everyone in the relationship; very different than an open relationship or cheating. Also keep in mind that there are hundreds of different relationship dynamics with polygamous/polyamorous relationships.

Our dynamic in a nutshell, husband is romantic with all the wives, wife one, three, and four are romantic with husband and each other, wife two only romantic with husband. If one partner isn’t feeling intimate you have someone else to go to. Even wife two would snuggle with the other wives from time to time. Though not legally married – being married to multiple partners is not legal – we did each have a wedding ceremony and consider each other to be spouses.

Something we get asked a lot is about romance in the bedroom. Believe it or not we don’t usually have threesomes, but would often have three way snuggles. Who sleeps with who – sex or not – isn’t always something that’s planned ahead, though we do take turns with each other.

Getting involved with a poly relationship without previously knowing everyone involved can get tricky. It’s not just one person you have to get along with, it’s everyone that’s a part of that relationship. It gets trickier and trickier the more people that are involved.

Ultimately, why am I a polygamist? Because it works for me, it makes me happy. I wake up each morning satisfied with where I’m at in my romantic life. I like the family we’ve made. But most of all, we simply love each other.

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