One of the most common questions I get in the office are about tips for better bottoming.
How to make it tighter, looser, drier, wetter, lighter, darker. How to make it feel like it's 20 again! How to make it not feel like it’s 20 again.
And of course the dreaded, "If I can't take him in, he's going to leave me.”
I've put together some rules and thoughts to make time in the bedroom, or any room, more enjoyable.
Not everyone was made to bottom
There, I said it.
I think the same number of women as men, not only have erogenous zones inside the anal canal, but actively enjoy receiving anal sex. I’d say it’s probably about 40-45 percent. It's not just the erogenous zones though. Many people can enjoy the feelings of anal play, but have trouble with anything larger than a small finger.
Remember this, the anal sphincter complex at rest is an extremely strong set of muscles. Some people’s resting pressures are so high they will never be able to achieve enough relaxation to enjoy bottoming.
It's not a matter of wanting it badly enough, or being relaxed, 30-40 percent of people will not be able to take anything inside without pain…ever.
That’s not to say that the muscles can't learn, or be stretched enough. But it needs to be done slowly and patiently — not for 2 quick minutes with a finger, while your bull is breathing down your neck.
Try it alone first
Bottoming isn't something you want to experiment with strangers. Being in your home surroundings, with the right atmosphere (candles, music, bubble bath), and feeling relaxed can go a long way in helping you open up.
George Carlin used to talk about staying in for a romantic candlelight dinner for one. I would recommend starting with either a well lubricated finger, or small toy during masturbation. Consider external massage and play first prior to any penetration. Remember there is no rush when you're alone and at home.
If you are tense, your sphincter will be too.
We all know the rectum likes to multitask, and nobody wants to be at the wrong end of any sort of mess. This fear can often put a serious hamper on an otherwise fun time.
First rule is, shit happens. Better to talk about it than pretend it doesn’t.
I recommend dark sheets and darker towels for the bed and if something does make its way out, deal with it and move on. It can happen even with the best clean out.
There are a million ways to clean out and no one clean is perfect for everybody. One thing to remember is that you don’t need it to be colonoscopy clean, you need the bottom foot to be clean (12 inches of clean is fine, I promise).
Most bulb douches repeated a couple of times with water are adequate. A large hose is most likely overkill. If you cleaned before a date and now it’s hours later, another quick rinse with a bulb is helpful.
And again, if something happens, it happens and try to remember to laugh about it at a later date (if there is one).
Make sure he's the right guy
Don't ever start anal play with someone who you’ve never had sex with before. It's important to be with someone you trust who will listen to you without pushing. If he's pushing substances like poppers or meth — he's the wrong guy.
If he's telling you to wait a few minutes and try again and work through the pain — he's the wrong guy.
If he's well-endowed and he doesn't understand you needing to work up to his size — he’s the wrong guy.
Be with someone who knows and respects your body and boundaries and it will be a better time for everyone involved.
Bottoms on top
The mood is set. The bottom is clean, there’s plenty of lube, but your sweet understanding guy is stillnot getting past the door. Try this: let the top lay down and the bottom climb on board.
Make him your personal gymnastics pommel horse. Take control into your hands by lowering yourself on to him slowly and at your pace. Often the muscles will relax after 15-25 seconds.
Sometimes sitting with the tip of the penis at the entrance of the anus for 20 seconds allows everything to relax, and for him to slide right in.
Most of all, have fun and relax.
Bottoming shouldn’t be an anxiety ridden time, and if it is, you have to examine the situation and ask yourself why. Remember, porn isn’t real life, and real life doesn’t mimic art in this case. It's a shared experiences with a partner that will hopefully allow you both to enjoy each other.
If it hurts, don't do it, don’t keep doing it, don’t do it anymore. If there is persistent pain, or bleeding, or drainage at any point, seek medical attention.
Dr. Schochet is a colon and rectal surgeon practicing at South Florida Colorectal Institute in Aventura. He has the largest anal cancer prevention program in South Florida and captains the Happy Hiney Florida AIDS walk team raising over $270,000 for local charities over the last four years.