Political pundits will tell you that presidential campaigns often turn on the “August Surprise” and 2012 is no exception as Republicans get ready to convene in Tampa next week. Despite the bizarre twists and turns the campaign has already taken, there’s absolutely no way Mitt Romney could have seen this one coming.
The famous dragapella barbershop quartet, The Kinsey Sicks, have entered the contest for the Republican nomination. How can a quartet of singers run to be THE president of the United States?
“Well, as you know, corporations are now people, too,” explains the group’s bawdy spokesperson, Rachel (the onstage alterego of Ben Schatz), “and we’re hoping to be America’s first corporation to be president.”
While it’s true, Rachel and her cohorts—Winnie, Trixie and Trampolina—have toured the country over the years and felt its pulse. They have no illusions of grandeur.
“We have all the lack of qualifications that any of the leading candidates have,” Rachel insists.
They’ll be bringing their red, white and blue-bedecked musical show, “Electile Dysfunction,” on the campaign trail to Fort Lauderdale’s Broward Center on Saturday, August 25, just in time to drum up some last minute support before the big convention on the other Florida coast.
The girls will perform original songs that outline their platform, including “Sell the Poor,” “Eliminate the Schools,” and their rousing campaign anthem, “Vote for Me (I’m Not from Kenya).”
They try to eschew platforms, preferring pumps, instead. Rachel says they’re “not as clubby.” As for the other issues, the girls are clear:
“We think taxes are good. Our performances are very taxing for the audience. We’re in favor of that form of taxation.” She is quick to point out they pay 31 percent of their income, just like Mitt Romney, until she realizes he only claimed to pay 13 percent.
As for gay marriage, the candidates believe “happiness is waited on a curve, if we allow gays and lesbian to be happy, it actually diminishes the happiness of the rest of us. If they want to be patriots, they should do their civic duty and suffer like we do.”
On foreign affairs, the quartet is “all for them,” especially the seedy kind like former conservative South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, who disappeared while on a “hiking trip” to visit his Brazilian mistress.
“We look forward to many, many foreign affairs as president,” predicts Rachel. “Even Afghanistan… because burka sex is hot. You have no idea how ravishing I look in my burka.”
In an era of unparalleled campaign spending by anonymous donors, the Kinsey Sicks rightfully hesitate to name their supporters directly.
“Like all good Republicans, our most ardent supporters are billionaires. Sexual partners and campaign contributors should be anonymous because, either way, people are getting screwed,” laughs Rachel. “And there’s no accounting for taste.”
She does hope her audiences will prove tasteless and gullible enough to see their show. In the past, audiences have been known to walk out in the midst of the profane performances.
“If there’s one take home message about our show—no refunds!,” she emphasizes. “We’ve got to keep that campaign bus gassed up.”
For more information or to buy tickets, go to www.BrowardCenter.org.
If you go
Saturday, August 25, 8 p.m.
201 SW Fifth Ave., Fort Lauderdale, FL,33312
$35/ticket at www.BrowardCenter.org.