My HIV Diary: Brain Dead, Week 28

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Being in my mid-20’s isn’t easy, add HIV on top of that and we have one hell of a complicated life. I’m making the best out of the hand life has dealt me and the decisions I’ve made along the way. Writing helps free my mind. Hopefully these words will help you understand the plight of others like myself, and inspire you to live each and every day in the moment.

Week 28 (March 8 – March 14)

Don’t worry, I don’t have a new side effect. I mean really, I wouldn’t be writing this if I were really brain dead, right? I’m just around the corner from day 200 of my medicine study and for once I’m finding myself struggling with what to write about.

I feel as if I’ve finally transitioned from using this diary to update the world on the side effects of my medication, to using it to show people what living with HIV is really like.

My numbers are doing well. I’m still undetectable and my CD4 count is in the 700’s for the first time in a long time. I told a friend of mine about my numbers and he asked if he could borrow a few of my T-Cells (My readers with HIV should get a chuckle out of that). To solve my first writing block I did what any 20-something in America would do, I took to Facebook to ask my adoring friends what the heck I should write about because who better to tell me what to feel than people online.

Michael suggested I write about who or what inspires and pushes me forward in darker moments.

I have to admit that I put on a smile because I feel that is what people expect of me. I find it hard sometimes to really tell people how I feel. What keeps me going when I start to wonder into the dark side of my thoughts is knowing that sometimes other people rely on me to be there for them. I don’t ever want to miss a message or call from someone I could have helped. I can’t be selfish like that.

Dana said I should write about him. There you go, Dana. That’s all I have for you.

Maurice wanted me to write about some old white guy in Rome with red shoes. I’m a Baptist so I won’t be much help with that.

One other suggestion stuck out at me. This one came from Jeff. Jeff said that not knowing what to write about can be an interesting subject in itself. I agree. I asked myself, why is there nothing to talk about.

I feel as if I’ve finally transitioned from using this diary to update the world on the side effects of my medication, to using it to show people what living with HIV is really like. I struggle with my job, as you can clearly read, I have car troubles and I’m always looking for the next big thing. Yes, I have this incurable virus living inside my body, but I’m doing the best I can to manage it.

I’m trying to survive, just like all of you are. Ryan Dixon


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