Column: The One Person You Should Never Have Sex With

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Jay Asher, Ed.D., LMHC

You know the guy, right?

You’ve been to bed with the woman many times: same person, different faces.

We succeed at our careers, we establish a reputation for success, we have the right car, own a home near the water, and yet…

We pick someone we see across the room, eyes connect, heart thumps, this is him, she’s the one. “Let me take you to dinner.” “Let’s go on a cruise. No money? No problem. I’ll pay.”

And so starts the journey of the Love Addict, again. “This time it’s different,” he tells his closest friends. “She promises great sex!” That’s the Love Avoidant offering emotional and sexual guarantees.

There is a need in the Love Addict to have his/her Inner Child hugged. Somewhere in childhood the Love Addict felt unloved, abandoned, and perhaps invisible. As an adult, he/she wants emotional and sexual acceptance. Love me, make me whole.

The Love Avoidant can’t deliver. It’s not in their DNA to move beyond words.

Problem: We pick someone who reinforces the childhood pain. I often say to clients, “Your picker is broken.”

Solution: Look at the childhood hurts. Journal. Write about the men or women you’ve invested in. Find the patterns. Discover your consistent role. Yes, you’re the constant. What has to change for you to “see” someone “healthy” across the room?

Dr. Asher facilitates Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous at SunServe on Wilton Drive the second and fourth Tuesday of the month from 7 till 8:30. Dr. Asher is a licensed psychotherapist socializing in couples counseling. He is also a published author and playwright. His plays, novellas and short stories deal with the GLT experience.


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