Review: “The Penis Talk Show”

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A curtain obscures the identity of the performers in “The Penis Talk Show,” currently playing at Empire Stage in Fort Lauderdale. Photo courtesy of Ronnie Larsen.

Sharp-tongued and occasionally potty-mouthed playwright Ronnie Larsen is rarely at a loss for words. But, last Wednesday, the creator of “Making Porn” and “All-Male Peep Show” was left blushing and speechless.

His latest production, “The Penis Talk Show,” playing Wednesday and Saturday nights at Empire Stage through April 5, relies largely on Larsen’s witty adlibs—that is until both the “penises” on stage and audience left him searching for words.

Let’s back up for a second. The entire premise behind “The Penis Talk Show” is a conversation between the audience and three naked men whose faces and identities are hidden by a curtain. “You can ask me anything” is the mantra for the evening.

Larsen serves as a “fluffer” of sorts, who interviews and “lubricates” the audience as they arrive, encouraging them to write questions for the penises on index cards. Even though the vast majority of the audience were gay men, he immediately targeted a group of three women in the front row who were celebrating a birthday. In just a few minutes, we learned the birthday girl hadn’t had sex in 10 years and her septuagenarian mother, indeed, did like penises. Then he managed to coax one of the men into dropping his drawers on the stage floor. Everyone was fair game as we awaited the start of the show.

Soon the “penises” took their places in their office chairs. We were instructed to yell “swivel” if we needed a better view. Quickly everyone realized these three were not going to be shy, anonymity or not.

Penis #1, hailing from one of those flyover Midwestern states, was probably thirtyish with an athletic build and a respectable “grower.” Penis #2 was definitely older and sported a very large, shiny Prince Albert piercing and very large, shaved scrotum. Penis #3, a young Cuban immigrant in his late 20s, had a lean, defined body with exotic tattoos down his flat abdomen and very long, uncircumcised dick that he played with unceasingly.

Many of the questions were fairly predictable: Do you manscape (clip and shave) down there? Do you miss your foreskin? How do you pee and cum with a P.A. (Prince Albert)? Are you a top or a bottom? What’s your favorite position?

But soon the discussion took an unexpected turn. Penis #3 admitted he lost his virginity as a teen in Cuba to a chicken, apparently a common act for young boys on the isolated island and collaborated by the only heterosexual man in the audience (accompanied by his wife), also a Cuban immigrant. Larsen, who has hosted the show all over the country, screamed, “Oh my God, you guys are sick! I’ve never heard anything like that before!” as the audience simultaneously gasped and snickered.

In response to an inquiry if any of the penises fantasized about cartoon or anime characters, Penis #1 revealed an episode with a trick who dreamed of having sex with Casper the Friendly Ghost. Penis #1 said he donned a white sheet and well, you can imagine what happened next. Again, Larsen exclaimed, “You can’t make this shit up!”

No, you can’t. “The Penis Talk Show” is definitely the funniest performance I’ve seen in a long time.

Perhaps the most humorous episodes of the evening were the spontaneous appearances by Empire Stage’s metrosexual executive producer, David Gordon.

Every time the penises said something just a little more outrageous, Gordon, grinning like a teen caught sneaking his first peek at a “Playboy” centerfold, would poke his head through the door, afraid to miss any of the action. Obviously, he didn’t lose his virginity to a chicken.

In response to two sold out Wednesday performances, additional shows have been added on Saturdays at 10:15 p.m. Don’t expect the same show, though, because each performance will feature different combinations of “penises” and the questions will change with the audience.

Rest assured, when Penis #3 does return, Larsen definitely plans to ask about the barnyard animals.

Ronnie Larsen’s “The Penis Talk Show” will be presented at Empire Stage, 1140 N. Flagler Drive in Fort Lauderdale, Wednesday at 8 p.m. and Saturday at 10:15 p.m. through April 4. Tickets are $30 at EmpireStage.com.


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