OpEd: The Pee-otus Affair: Under Trump ‘Watergate’ takes on a whole new meaning

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Nixon had his Watergate, but it was not until his second term. It appears the Trumpie Pie is going to have a Watersportsgate, even before he is sworn in on January 20.

Related: Trump Books Anti-LGBT Clergy for Inauguration

I mean we all knew the president elect could get pussy whenever he wanted. Who ever expected he would get so pissy though?

One reporter tweeted directly to the Donald after the soggy scandal broke: “Are there going to be golden showers at urineauguration?” 

Don’t worry if you have to work and might miss the Trumpmeister’s speech. It is going to be live streamed on the net. And now we know why they give his plane a water salute after winning the election last November.

By the way, the weather for inaugural day calls for bright and sunny skies with the possibility of mid-day showers. Some say they might even be golden. We can only say for sure America is safe; that there will be a pee-ceful transfer of power. And maybe we better understand what he meant when he said he wanted to ‘drain the swamp.'

Oh, the sweet irony of it all. As SFGN goes to press, Penthouse Magazine has doubled down on its $1 million offer to anyone who could provide real tapes of President-elect Donald Trump’s alleged and unproven sexual escapades at the Ritz-Carlton in Moscow. This episode gives a whole new meaning to ‘Wikileaks.'

Chief Orange Hair is in a shampoo tizzy, calling the entire thing a lie, fake news, and yet another attempt by the media to sabotage him. But actually Donnie Pee Pee should be lamenting the fact that Penthouse is just too cheap for his pleasure. 

I mean, five years ago, when Birther Don was questioning the legitimacy of Obama’s citizenship he offered $5 million to the Commander in Chief to produce papers showing his birth certificate. Well, it now appears like Hillary’s emails are not the only thing leaked to the press these past few months.

Anyway, the entire golden shower affair has now hit the press big-ly. It’s huge. The internet is just, why, dripping with jokes about the Commander in Chief’s partying in Russia. But one writer has made the presidential position very clear: “This administration is going to pee in foreign hotel rooms and Moscow is going to pay for it.”

Another Internet writer laments the entire story, complaining that “what if is not true, and we are all defiling the good name of a pussy grabbing Putin puppet?’ Nothing like coming to the commander’s defense. I heard R. Kelley may even perform at the ceremonies.

Trumpie says the release of these documents is scandalous, and asks ‘are we living in Nazi Germany?’ The Internet has responded in force, saying, “No, not yet.” But we are demanding proof of hooker free peeing in the Hilton. After all, we don’t want to be guilty of ‘yellow journalism.'

And Alec Baldwin on Saturday Night Live stayed on point, recognizing the incredible job creating possibilities the billionaire Donald Trump could deliver to the American public. He said Trump will bring back a thick stream of jobs to this country; the biggest, strongest, steadiest stream ever; that the country will be showered with jobs, cause Trump is a major whiz at it. It will be a golden opportunity for the president to make a splash.”

Stephen Colbert was not exactly generous either, noting that the Donald Trump ‘was making a huge splash flooding Twitter, but that it was just an unfortunate leak just trickling down but he was finished making jokes about it…after all, it was just a wee little leak…” 

James Corden of CBS later followed the same theme, noting that news cycles were ‘saturated’ with the story. It, was he noted, with a pun, ‘the number one story’ on the net: “Not Number 2,” he said, “no, number 1.”

Related: Caitlyn Jenner Invited to Trump’s Inauguration

Jimmy Kimmel joined in the fun as well, using a skit with a Russian official telling CNN’s Wolf Blitzer the reports are false, that ‘No there was no peeing involved. I saw the tape myself. It was just your typical totally normal heterosexual hooker sex party…that never happened.'

George Takei, the gay hero from the original Star Trek, who has become one of Trump’s harshest critics, went on Twitter and posted “Twinkle, Twinkle, little czar. Putin put you where you are.” 

Not to be outdone, another critic played on the words of Obama’s candidacy with a new twist. Instead of a silhouette of Obama with the words, Yes We Can’, below his face, a new image of Trump appeared, with the words “Yes Pee Can” under his. Me? I am just wondering what kind of water was in that bucket last year when Donald took the ALS Bucket Challenge.

Another writer wrote that Trump is bringing a new dimension to Reagan’s ‘trickle down economics.’ Heck, now we at least know why he talked about the gold toilets at Mar-O-Lago in Palm Beach. He really does have gold toilets and gold carpeting and gold drapes in the bedroom. Now we know why. The stains won’t show.

One writer from Massachusetts wanted to send Trump a note wishing him the best, though: “Urine for a great four years,” he tweeted. Well, it’s a golden opportunity for Trump to give a great speech tomorrow. I understand that in lieu of a speech though, he may just have Elton John sing ‘Yellow Brick Road.’ 

Payback is a bitch, Donald. You wanted the world to listen to your every word. And now you are a victim of the Chinese curse, ‘Be careful what you wish for. You may get it.’

As if we had not heard enough, the bathroom jokes about Trump’s golden showers just keep on, uh, how shall I say this discreetly- flowing, non-stop. One of my favorites was The Daily Show’s take on ‘Goldfinger,’ titled ‘Goldshower:’  Here is the link to it: https://www.queerty.com/daily-shows-goldshower-trump-themed-007-film-youve-waiting-20170113 

There is just a flood of salacious material pouring out everyday, each one giving comics a golden opportunity to piss, I am mean, pass on the master of mendaciousness, Donald Trump. Heck, with these revelations I may have to alter my tweets and start calling him Chief Yellow Flow instead of Chief Orange Hair. You let me know.

As a general rule, I don’t laugh at bathroom jokes. They seem juvenile, puerile, childish. But as I think about it, this is where the presidency in 2017 has brought us: to the toilet, with a chauvinistic charlatan taking the oath of office to be our president.  And the home which once held Abraham Lincoln will now house Donald Trump. What else can you do but laugh about it?


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