Op-Ed: Tweeting My Way to Hell

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So I will never write that great novel, but this November, I am releasing a calendar entitled “Chairman Norm’s 365 Tweets a Year Daily Calendar.” You will be able to pick them up here at SFGN. Make your reservations early. They could make the NY Times Top Ten List. And to think everybody here says I have no ego. 

Anyway, last year, I published a column of my favorite tweets, and I scored a hundred new followers within a week. Of course, I will never have as many as my gay porn star clients. I openly reveal my startling sarcasm and insightful political views daily and I still can barely reach 2,000 followers. But Ryan Rose shows off his muscular nakedness and can have 50,000 guys lined up on his page to hear about his latest journey into tawdry naughtiness. 

What the hell, I will stick to who I am, just a humble guy with a modestly successful newspaper and a law practice that has fought for a free press and your rights for 40 years. That works for me. Still, for my tombstone, I want a simple epitaph: “All in All, I would rather be at the ballpark.” Anyway, that is a day and tombstone I would like to delay for half a century. By then, I will have finished my novel and learned how to use a computer. 

In the meantime, my daily journey gets kicked off with reading the news from the night before, fake or not, and coming up with 140 words or less of lines that illuminate our existence and showcase our lives. So once again, in what I suspect will be a great excuse for not writing a real column, here are my favorite tweets of 2018. You can find them all on @normkent. Let’s get those numbers up. Make Ryan Rose jealous. 

 Number 1 

Here is what I don’t understand. If Donald Trump is such a great deal maker, why is he paying $150,000 a night for hookers and escorts? I know I never try to go over $ 100,000 a night for mine. 

 

Number 2 

President again called free press ‘enemy of the people’ last night. Funny, I thought a free press was In Bill of Rights and the First Amendment to our constitution. Trump swore an oath to defend that, not defame it; not sabotage it. If he won’t, he belongs in jail for Treason, 

Number 3 

Hard not to hear that Mark Zuckerberg lost 16 billion dollars today with Facebook. That hurts. I hope he goes for an old fashioned NY style Egg Cream. I know that whenever I lose 16 billion dollars in a day I go for an Egg Cream. You feel much better. 

 

Number 4 

If tariffs, Mr. Trumps, are a ‘great thing,’ and ‘trade wars are easy to win’ , how come we are paying out 12 billion to farmers to bail them out of trouble? And by the way if our government has 12 B lying around, can you use it to find the parents of about 2,000 kids you lost? 

Number 5 

Wasn’t sure of what President gave away last week or why he invited Putin to visit White House. until I got a peek look today at return address on the envelopes of his invitations to Russian boss. Reads: ‘The Kremlin Annex, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, D.C.’ 

Number 6 

A man was captured this morning inside the White House and charged with a hate crime for using a computer to send out vile and vicious tweets. Was hoping perpetrator may be arrested and charged, but seems the guy’s wife, Melania, got him out on his own recognizance. 

Number 7 

The baseball trading season has begun in earnest. A day after Manny Machado went to Dodgers for prospects, today the Indians acquired Brad Hand from the Padres for a catcher. Earlier in the week Vladimir Putin and the Russians acquired Donald Trump from the Americans for some nude photos. 

Number 8 

So excited for our President. He is getting yet another new award today- as Citizen of the Year! Of course, it will take a few hours for him to fly to Moscow to receive it. 

Number 9 

For calling the press the ‘enemy of the people’ one day and then trying to say he is sorry five of our own were killed the next, President Trump can go screw himself. He is a knowing accomplice to the murders, criminally complicit in the killer’s deeds. 

Number 10 

So now the vile president that is Trump calls the emigration of those parents and children yearning to be free an "infestation." Funny, that is what the exterminator called the termites who were swarming in my house. They were gassed. I guess that is what Trump has in mind. 

Number 11 

Someone remind our twitchy-fingered tweeter-in-chief that every single person investigated, implicated, indicted, embroiled ensnared, or arrested in Russian scandal- factual or not- are persons vetted, screened, interviewed, hired, and empowered by him, his team, and no one else. Well maybe Pee Wee Herman had some influence, cause after all… 

Number 12 

Hey if Facebook is so damn smart about compiling information about people's lives, how come I got 'wish your friend a happy birthday notice' the past two days for guys who have passed away? That they don't eliminate but the shampoo I buy on the Internet they save? 

Number 13 

I know occasionally there are more serious problems in this world but my job on Twitter and Facebook is to make you smile while simply pointing out life’s sweet ironies. Now isn’t a Subway running out of tuna at lunchtime like Dunkin’Donuts not having jelly donuts in the morning? 

Number 14 

My new respiratory therapy medicine is a prescription for an inhaler called Striverdi that is not covered by Medicare and costs $300 a month to fill. It would be cheaper to have someone break into the CVS and steal it for me. 

Number 15 

My cardiologist is telling me that all my Nathan’s hot dogs and Philly cheese steaks have been very cruel and insensitive to the left and right ventricles of my heart, and I should think about a vegan future. Can you put mustard and sauerkraut on Tofu? 

Number 16 

Crushing blow today for NORML activists. Here I am at ground-breaking National Jewish Health Center for Respiratory Therapy in Denver, a venue where Cannabis is legal! All I asked for was the sativa-infused oxygen tanks and they say ‘we don’t make those yet.’ Fight on we must! 

Number 17 

Watching the top 50 MLB plays of the week, and you just have to be amazed at the athleticism, fitness, stretch, size, and strength of today’s ballplayers. Then Bartolo Colon takes the mound 

Number 18 

From the ‘You can’t make this up department’- student survivors of #MSD are arriving in Tallahassee to hear house legislators debating a bill about whether pornography is a public health risk. That they will ban. 

Number 19 

Trump has created a world where evil is good, and to stay in power and profit from it, legislators protect the lie. I have met people like this for 40 years as a criminal defense lawyer. Usually, the last time I ever see them is at sentencing pleading for mercy from a judge. 

Number 20 

In Florida, if we go fishing in lobster season there is a limit on catch sizes and numbers. If you go deer or game hunting there is a 5 magazine clip limit on rifle you can use. Guess legislators think these limits should apply to crustaceans and wild boar but not kids in school 

Number 21 

Got a question. While Trump spends millions of American dollars in the next few years building a monstrous wall, what’s the over/under on how many tunnels the Mexicans will build in that time? 

Number 22 

It just dawned upon me, as a publisher, that it would be ‘Breaking News,’ if CNN announced, just once, at the top of an hour , that they had no ‘breaking news.’ 

Number 23 

So delighted to hear that Jarod Kushner has been denied a top security clearance. Knowing that my grandmother’s secret recipe for borscht is safe for another century will let me sleep better at night. 

Number 24 

Let’s face it. Trump has so fucked up the White House and his presidency that most intelligent Americans would like it is if all we had to care about were his scores of extramarital sexual affairs from years ago. 

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Number 25 

The opposition is being made to feel so uncomfortable by Stoneman Douglas students so effectively and articulately publishing their outrage at the mass murder of their friends they are now desperately saying the kids are ‘paid actors.’ Ha! Well, if they are, they were cast very well. 


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