Here we are, in the most glorious American week of the year, and my business partner writes a column celebrating soccer, the sport that is as exciting as watching paint dry. Come on, why do you think Americans have a ‘Bowl’ and the rest of the world just has a ‘Cup.’ We are bigger, better, and should be.
Appropriately, the 111 million people watching the ‘Weed’ Bowl this weekend will also be watching a magnificent game between the two top teams, each from a state where marijuana is now legal. No one will care who wins. The game brings a new dimension to the ‘Bud’ Bowl. But not for Pier, who demeans and disgraces this superb contest on a page adjacent to my own. Shocking.
As a matter of fact, five pro-marijuana billboards are supposed to be set up around Met Life Stadium for the Super Bowl. The activists are doing it themselves, and promise that at least three of the billboards should be up by Feb. 3.
The ‘Stoner’ Bowl matchup between the Denver Broncos and Seattle Seahawks even has the Colorado and Washington NORML (National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws) organizations engaged in a friendly wager. It’s John Denver’s ‘Rocky Mountain High’ versus Seattle’s Jimi Hendrix ‘Purple Haze.’
This is a holy day for masculinity, a national, secular holiday celebrated globally. And my business partner celebrates kickball played by men in shorty shorts instead? Forgive me, dear readers. He has so sinned. Masculinity is clearly not his middle name.
Let’s face it, football is the sport of men, real men; hot, sweaty men in skin sticking compression jerseys fit ever so well upon their rippled chests. Throwing the ball to their hard and fast tight ends, in good and bad weather. Football players have deadlines, clocks to watch, and two-minute warnings. Football is a real game, with banging helmets and loud tackles, not cardboard penalty cards.
As George Carlin said, football is all about masculinity and combat, leading your team with a sustained aerial assault, targeting short bullet passes and long bombs; puncturing holes in the defensive line with mounting ground attacks, even if it takes a shotgun. Refs have to watch out for illegal hits, not just Richard Sherman’s post game rants. This is a game for men about men, not queens shedding their sweaty shirts after a game.
Still, think for a moment what Madonna did for gay rights equality with her electrifying performance in the half time show two years ago. She promoted not just hyper sexuality, but homosexuality. Homoerotic performances paved the way for marriage equality, even at the Grammys. Now gay men, hand in hand, can go into bars and drink with their lovers.
We even have a pro gay quarterback on a team in Green Bay, but only his ex-boyfriend will admit to it. On a serious note, thanks to Baltimore Ravens linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo, last year’s Super Bowl became a cause celebre’ for the protection of gay athletes that still carries weight today. NFL teams are joining in the campaign for tolerance.
The Super Bowl commercials are an equally compelling entrepreneurial show of manliness. Marketed for millions of dollars, they exhibit excellence in advertising, creative visualizations, and masculinity on parade. This year’s Super Bowl ad breaks will feature appearances from a full squad of stars, including Arnold Schwarzenegger, Scarlett Johansson, James Franco, Jerry Seinfeld, Tom Hiddleston and Stephen Colbert. Even the gay one is a macho macho man. Who amongst you would deny yourself a night with James Franco?
The most celebrated Super Bowl commercial of recent times was Volkswagen’s 2011 spot, “The Force,” featuring a boy in a Darth Vader helmet. The most shared ad of all time, it now has about at least 60 million YouTube views, almost as many people as read SFGN last week. Obviously, he was also the son to Daft Punk. Only a socialist or Marxist would not appreciate the venture capitalism of one minute long, $2 million commercials.
How many people are going to go out drinking today and Bieberize their day, by drag racing and scoring a DUI? Sports bars and sports media do more business during football season than the rest of the year combined. The Super Bowl is a marketing bonanza for them too. What gay boy does not want to consume a big brew next to a real hunk in a manly sports bar?
And supermarkets? Ever try to buy a bag of chips or hot dogs at a Publix on a Super Bowl Sunday? This year, it’s the ‘Blunt’ Bowl, and Doritos are already at a premium price markup.
The bottom line is that Super Bowls help America’s bottom line, while creating family days at home, along with eventful programming and a pleasant evening by the television set, whether with your friends or colleagues. Get your partner drunk or stoned, and then absolutely take advantage. Only a communist at Sochi would not appreciate that.
The Super Bowl is John Wayne, the Green Berets, and soldiers in combat. Gay ones, too! It’s American flags and jets flying over the stadium, security cameras in them, and bags being searched. It’s even being played in the garden state, headed by a governor who clearly has had one potato chip too many. Just kick back for the day and enjoy some on your own. If you order in a hurry, you can get some sativa-saturated ones from Boulder.