OpEd: Go Your Own Way

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Last month Scotland voted to remain in the United Kingdom. The campaign for independence galvanized the country but also divided families and friends. The decision of the Scots to stick with the UK hasn’t deterred leaders of the remaining break-away movements brewing across the European Union. Flemish nationalists in Belgium, Catalans in Spain and Italy’s Venetians believe they have not lost momentum even though the pause button is on after the descendants of Braveheart opted to remain with Britain. Mel Gibson be damned.

If the Scots hadn’t chickened out at the last minute a split from the Crown might have energized some of the American states to push forward with their own plans of secession. On Nov. 7, 2012, "Michael E" from Slidell, Louisiana, created an online petition requesting the Obama administration “To peacefully grant the State of Louisiana to withdraw from the United States of America and create its own government.”

The petition, of course, started as a response to the unexpected 2012 presidential reelection of a black man. Since then it has grown into a national movement encompassing many grievances, namely economic problems and the expansion of the federal government. By 6 a.m. Nov. 14, 2012 various petitions had garnered thousands of signatures. Such petitions are largely symbolic in nature and few people expect any state to actually secede, but it is nice to dream.

According to the “We the People” website, the largest petitions had the following signature count:

  • Texas: 125,000
  • Tennessee: 32,694
  • Alabama: 31,597
  • Arizona: 23,987
  • Arkansas: 23,506

The top 5, listed above, are also my pick. I would grant them, and several others, (Mississippi, West Virginia, Kansas, Kentucky, North Florida) immediate independence. No questions asked. In fact I am begging them to go ahead and do it. Speaking on the matter, former Republican presidential candidate and U.S. Representative from Texas Ron Paul said "It’s very American to talk about secession -- that’s how we came into being."

Petitions that receive over 25,000 signatures within 30 days of their filing make them eligible to receive an official response from the White House. On January 15, 2013, the White House officially stated that they will not allow the states to secede.Too bad. We would have everything to gain and nothing to lose. After all 38 percent of the people living in those states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 65 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 45 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 55 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11, 60 percent believe they are people with higher morals and more than three-quarters believe the Bible was actually written by God, probably on a rudimental word processor or Dictaphone.

We would immediately get rid of parochial and tribal politics. For a start, Texas and Arizona could, on their own, handle the problem of immigration as they see fit and stop bitching and ranting against the federal government. They can keep Ted Cruz and overlook the fact he is an immigrant from Canada. While the rest of the country will be going to Disneyland they will be stuck with creepy Bible Themed Parks. Great concerts will take place at Madison Square Garden, they will enjoy Opryland. What about Graceland as the answer to the White House?

The new independent states will have 75 percent of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, most of the televangelists, and Rush Limbaugh might choose to relocate and marry Anne Coulter. We will finally be able to get on with stem cell research, reinforce Roe v Wade, funding of the arts, health care reform, education overhaul, gay marriage, even rational gun laws, and keep 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. They could also take with them most of the national obsession with Jesus, their ingrained racism, blatant homophobia, feces thrower Fox News, the NRA and a good chunk of the GOP.

They can keep the two party system if they think it will work better under their new found independence: The Tea Party and The Whiskey Rebellion. One or the other will have to adopt the condom as their emblem to reflect their real political views. A condom stands up for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks and gives one a false sense of security while screwing others.

The other party should use the silhouette of a Neanderthal man scratching his head while holding an AK47. Badcoins will be their new currency. As they leave the union we should remind them that not every ejaculation deserves a name but they will be free to name every building and every highway after Saint Reagan. We will have a chance to build back the separation of Church and State because, despite their incessant whining, our country is not based on Christian religion.

Overnight we could settle the various disputes between the United States Bureau of Land Management and cattle ranchers over unpaid grazing fees bringing to an end armed confrontations between protesters and law enforcement. These modern cow boys do not recognize, and will not submit to, federal police power.

Once they are independent they can do whatever they want, even marry their own cows. They do not have to repeal DOMA since in the new states it will aptly stand for Defense of Married Assholes. Of course we are keeping the good weed; they can have the crap they grow south of the border.What a wonderful new country this could be: The Renaissance States. Imagine.


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