Column: The Republican’s Wish List for the 12 Days of Christmas

User Rating: 0 / 5

Star inactiveStar inactiveStar inactiveStar inactiveStar inactive
 
Pier Angelo

It could be age or a self inflicted mental bypass but Christmas always finds me unprepared. Yesterday was Labor Day, tomorrow it’s December 25. The holiday of love and peace turns predictably into a nightmare. Shopping for the usual useless crap for known and unknown members of the nuclear, and not so clear, family; cocktail parties and dinners with friends, clients and boring office parties.

I feel like a hand grenade ready to explode, while my partner glides happily thru it all in search of the ultimate tree ornament. A Norway spruce hung with colored balls and silver strings woven through its branches does not make me want to rock.

The Salvation Army should give each donor a complimentary Xanax before the zombies go thru the revolving doors of the mall. After all, Christmas tops the list of our sources of stress, ahead of mourning, divorce and moving.

Rather than a religious holiday Christmas is a symbol. A potpourri of perennial rebirths and hopes, from no future to a new future. The Gospels’ tales surrounding the birth of Jesus are myths, not facts. They are based on the early Christians’ desires and dreams for redemption and freedom.

We still have no idea from where we come from or where we are going and therefore we cling to the constant hope of rebirth. Or is it a false sense of nostalgia? Of a past, remote and not so remote, that someone is trying to contraband as religious history?

Nowadays Christmas is a holiday in search of its soul. It is drowning in the capitalist shopping frenzy of mindless commercialism and consumerism at all costs. Good Friday has been replaced by Black Friday.  And even though everything about the season seems to me a fake it is all happening. And so, rather than fighting it, I relent and go along with it, putting on the obligatory merry face for the day.

There are signs the economy might actually be on the path of rebirth itself. Therefore, instead of preaching austerity, I decided that Republicans need a little cheering up.

To that end I compiled a list of possible gifts that might help them get over the November 6 hangover. They are still in denial of the fact that the Good Old Nasty Party has been reduced to a black hole of Caucasian traditionalism: white, married,church-going, racists, misogynists, redundant demagogues and homophobes with an advanced knowledge of God’s will the rest of us simply have not developed yet.

They could make the Taliban proud.

Here is the Republican’s Wish List for the 12 Days of Christmas:

1)     The Jesus Toaster: 2-slice toaster that burns the image of The Messiah on your daily bread.

2)     Your own time share right wing Congressman. You keep it for a week and during that time he will vote on anything you like and will veto any bill you do not approve of. Michele Bachmann comes to mind.

3)     Your own second hand Senator from any southern state. It comes complete with armchair on wheels and can be paraded during secession dinner parties. He amuses guests by suddenly waking up if anybody says “Gift-from-God-rape”.

4)     FBI and CIA files that can be downloaded for free. 3000 pages of correspondence @gmail.com between General Petraeus and Pussy Galore.

5)     Brand new dollar bills with the caption: “In Glock We Trust” or “Glock Bless America.”

6)     The Kindle edition of Donald Trumps’ autobiography. It is a fast read. It contains three words only:

“I, Me, Mine”.

7)    Radio for the deaf with only one station broadcasting Rush Limbaugh’s ramblings 24/7.

8)   A documentary DVD, in Braille, of Paul Ryan’s attempt at learning math.

9)   A replica of the Dolce & Gabbana’s burka Rick Santorum bought for his wife while he was campaigning for President.

10) A donation to American Crossroads, a multifaceted organization that raised massive

amounts of money ($ 300 mil) in order to get Mitt Romney elected to the presidency.

11) Fox Network slow motion video replay of Karl Rove’s meltdown when Fox called Ohio –

and thus the election -- for Obama.

12)  An actual log cabin, useful to plot secession, for the new Confederate States of Amerwrecka

Oh I almost forgot:

…and a partridge in a pear tree. Whatever that is.

Merry Christmas


  • Latest Comments

  • Tweets