Column: The Commandments Restoration

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“Christian” is shorthand for “trying to be kind; trying to care about others; trying not to be selfish; trying not to be judgmental.” In short, it amounts to “trying to be a good person.”

While there are many progressive Christians around the world with a true sense of compassion and moral integrity, the oppressive Bible thumpers of mid America are the product of outdated, suffocating, traditional Christian values that prefer ritual to reflection, obedience to individual discernment, meaningless confessions to genuine atonement.

In its highest form, Christianity is a test of one’s mettle, a challenge to live in the image of Jesus, the incarnation of all virtues. In its lowest form, it’s a spiritual Walmart, where absolution comes cheap and the swallowing of a wafer, a Sunday service, or a candle and a prayer are all it takes to even things out with God. 

The Religious Freedom Restoration Act, and many like it, sweeping the red neck states, is anything but Christian in spirit or intentions. In fact they are bigoted licenses to discriminate. They are bound to jeopardize decades of civil rights achievements in this nation and ultimately they will begin to unravel protections for religious people themselves. Slowly we are mirroring and becoming the same people this country despises.

It is not difficult to hear put downs of Muslims for their outdated prehistoric beliefs and their laws based on religion. But the very people who do not think twice in denigrating the followers of the Koran brandish the Bible as their battle cry and would not hesitate in forcing the rest of us to follow “the sacred book” ignoring the fact that the separation of church and state is the fundamental principle upon which the melting pot of America is built.

For the “Crazy Christers,” and their friends, I have uncovered a list of commandments; they are freely restored from the Bible itself.

Keep in mind these are the tweets from God:

1. Lev.1:9.  Burning a bull on the altar as a sacrifice creates a pleasing odor for the Lord.

Most neighbors complain the odor is not pleasing. Should I smite them?

2. Lev. 11:6-8. Touching the skin of a dead pig makes a person unclean.

Can they play football if they wear gloves?

3. Lev. 11:10 Eating shellfish is an abomination like homosexuality.

Are there 'degrees' of abominations?

4. Lev.15: 19-24.  Men are not allowed to have contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual un-cleanliness.

The problem is how does one tell? Most women take offense when asked.

5. Lev.19:27. It is expressly forbidden for men to trim their hair, including the hair around their temples. - How should they die? Should barbers be outlawed or executed?

6. Exodus 21:7 Thou can sell your daughter into slavery.

How does one determine the price? Would it vary if she is a virgin or not?

7. Lev. 21:20. Thou may not approach the altar of God if you have a defect in your sight.

Does vision have to be 20/20, or are contact lenses acceptable?

8. Leviticus 25:44. Thou may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are from neighboring nations.

How convenient for us, we could own Mexican and Canadian slaves. 

9. Exodus 35:2   Those who insist on working on the Sabbath must be put to death.

Should people in the service industry kill themselves, or should they ask the police to do it?

  1. Finally, Leviticus’ gem remains the most popular but it has an added twist. With gay marriage and pot becoming legal, Lev 20:13 “A man who lies with another man should be stoned” begins to make perfect biblical sense.


Our interpretation has just been wrong all these years.


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