My HIV Diary: Pushing On, Week 43

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Ryan Dixon (a.k.a former porn star Kameron Scott) has started taking HIV medication. He’s keeping a diary of his experience.

Being in my mid-20’s isn’t easy, add HIV on top of that and we have one hell of a complicated life. I’m making the best out of the hand life has dealt me and the decisions I’ve made along the way. Writing helps free my mind. Hopefully these words will help you understand the plight of others like myself, and inspire you to live each and every day in the moment.

Week 43 (June 21 – June 27)

The last year of my life has been an incredibly successful and fun one, overall. Granted the last month has been a troublesome one to say the least, but I’ve tried real hard not to get down on myself or give up. Three people have told me to pack things up and head back to Florida. I thought about it actually, but deep down I told myself to prove people wrong and to make things here in Atlanta work.

I missed my doctor’s appointment I was supposed to have on June 24. I couldn’t find a ride, rather I had one that didn’t show up, and I ended up having to walk. I could have taken the train or the bus but I still haven’t landed any solid work, which has left me very broke. I arrived to the hospital about 90 minutes after I was supposed to be seen. I was told that I would have to reschedule or wait around all day for the chance to go through my intake. I left and told them I’d call to reschedule when I had a better grasp on my situation. The reassuring look from the receptionist did help me feel a little better. The only thing that really makes me feel better is that I have a two-month supply of my medicine.

I do have an upcoming appointment to go sit down and talk with a mental health worker. I just want to make sure I’m doing well inside my head. I may think I’m doing fine, but my mind could be playing tricks on me. After living with HIV for nearly five years, I know the importance of a sound body and mind. I’ve been able to find somewhat of a stable living condition even if it is staying on a couch for a week at a time. That has eased my mind so much. You’d be surprised how amazing an uncomfortable and springy couch sounds to me.

Most of my time during the day is spent at Piedmont Park or at the library. I’ve done a lot of reading, mostly about the history and culture of Atlanta and Georgia. I think I’ve found the true meaning of “Southern hospitality” in the homes of complete strangers. I turn 26 on July 4. I’ll be spending another birthday alone and this time in a city where I feel abandoned. Maybe this year I’ll answer the phone when my mother calls.


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