Entry 2: October 23, 2013
Before delving into my story further, I'd first like to make clear that I do take full responsibility for my actions. Because of my criminal activity, I agree that I deserved to be removed from society and remanded to a secured facility for a period of time. I have no one to blame but myself, and I willingly lie in the bed that I have made.
I do take exception to the mandated length of my incarceration. One or two years behind bars seems to me a reasonable punishment for the crime I committed. The five years I received is harsh, and the 12 to 17 year sentence recommended in my case by the federal sentencing guidelines suggested by Congress was positively draconian.
Now to address what I believe is the most substantive issue regarding my case: While I may have 'distributed' child pornography, I have never touched a minor in a sexual manner in my life, quite simply because I am not a pedophile.
Of course, that's exactly what most people would expect an actual pedophile to say. Wouldn't you, if you were despised and shunned by society and actively hunted down by your government?
To those of you still reading who are willing to give me the benefit of the doubt, please don't be offended by my use of a simplistic and often employed metaphor to plead my case; the cookie jar. The very one in which I was caught red-handed. First, a little well established science. There are four basic biological drives within man and beast alike; the need to eat, drink, sleep and procreate. Considering that the preponderance of my reading audience is likely to be childless, replace that last one with 'have sex.’ Another fact that is not disputed is that crystal methamphetamine will completely extinguish the desire to eat, drink, and sleep while conversely activating the drive for sex voraciously, for as long as the user wishes to re-dose. (At my worst I've gone five days straight).
For the sake of my analogy, say that meth activated the need for food instead, and that metaphorical cookie jar is filled with macaroons. I explain that I loath coconut even as I reach in for one. Remember, I am driven by an insatiable desire to eat, and the macaroons do contain elements that I find appealing; sugar (sex, or rather, the sexualization of power and control), and novelty (a key psychological component behind the appeal of the ever propagating new releases from your favorite porn purveyor, if you are into porn, and trust me, on meth, chances are good that you are going to be into porn).
Finally, imagine that I am surrounded by men, who I find attractive, who are really into coconut, and I don't like eating alone. Can you see how I could conceivably eat said macaroons? If you're finding my explanation to be contrived and convoluted, at least allow me the fact that human sexuality is complicated, and that sex on meth is often just a hot mess, no holds barred marathon.
Again, I don't mean to offend anyone with my use of a simplistic metaphor to equate a subject that is by its very nature so damaging to innocent victims. However, I viewed the offending material, I did not create it. Perhaps some would consider the two to be equally evil. So be it.
While I cannot deny the distribution component of my crime, it's not as if I was caught handing out dirty pictures down by the schoolyard. I simply allowed those who approached me and asked for the opportunity to download videos from my password protected folder so that they could add material to their own existing collections. Indeed, in the very beginning I would delete the illegal material from my hard drive upon sobering up. Inevitably, I found myself conferring with the same group of men in subsequent drug fueled sessions, only to find myself re-downloading videos to keep the party going. Eventually I allowed the videos to collect, along with others containing women, dogs, horses, rape fantasies, bondage, you name it. Meth drastically lowers sexual inhibitions, which meant in my case the more extreme the better.
At the end of the day, I still broke the law and violated taboo, which was a shameful thing to do. I will carry that shame with me for the rest of my life. I know that I will never convince everyone of my lack of a pedophilic orientation, and it would be folly to even try. Trust is easy to lose and harder to gain. At most, perhaps if you run into me in a few years from now and happen to recognize me, maybe the second or third thought to cross your mind will be 'Hey, that's that guy who isn't a pedophile!'
Next time: How to get arrested. Until then, stay safe everybody.